Transitioning From A Tiger Mother To a Chill Mama: Not Easy, But I did It!
What Did You Do With Our Mommy?? But I Like This One.
The day we stop growing, we start dying.
I wish I could claim the above wisdom as solely mine. But it’s not. It’s mostly uncle William S. Burroughs’.
Here’s how he said it-“ When you stop growing you start dying”.
Humans are designed for continuous growth.
We are meant to keep growing in every facet of our lives. Even more so, as parents. But if you resist growth, you will simply fizzle out. Or Worse than fizzling out, become the problem.
I’m sure you are beginning to suspect where I'm going with all these?
Or ain’t you?
Okay here it is in plain English-more often than not, parents are the problem not their kids! Yes I said it.
You see, from my vantage position as an ardent Life Observer ( yeah, it’s a thing!), I have come to the conclusion that many people who are parenting today, have no business being one.
I have also noticed that some, who did a very great job with younger children, are now struggling with their tweens and teens. They will almost always say stuff like “David used to be such a sweet boy, but now he’s changed. I don’t know what happened?”.
But I know what happened sir!
You didn’t change, that’s the problem!! Pure and simple.
I personally exited the “rigid parents” WhatsApp group by sheer providence. And it was my long-held vision of the kind of kids I want to raise, that helped me see the light very quickly.
This is why we can’t overemphasise the place of goal-setting and vision casting, in all we do. Even as parents.
Do you even have the foggiest idea of what success will look like, to you as a parent?
But I digress.
Yes, my awakening happened on a seemingly uneventful day in April of 2021. I remembered it like it was yesterday. It was the day I courageously made a life-changing pact with my kids. The day I consciously chose to relinquish some of my Mom-Control buttons. It was a bold, yet uncomfortable move. But I made it. And today 3 years down, I am grateful for that decision. It has paid off big time.
You see, I started off my mothering journey as a Tiger Mom. Ha!
A Tiger Mom and more. You know that strong, firm and very authoritative Mom type? In fact I was first hailed a tiger mom when I was 15, long before my Asian sis Amy Lyn Chua made the title famous or infamous, depending on where you stand.
“Nne Agu!” (Tiger Mother in my Igbo language), my maternal grandma snapped at me angrily during a visit to hers, “let that boy be” she shouted!
I was only trying to put my little brother, who was generally being a boy in line.
Even now as a proper mom, I still believe that as the parent you are the adult. Your children should depend on you for direction. The burden of choice is usually too heavy for their young shoulders.
It’s not enough to tell them to do right, we need to get them to do the right thing.
And how can one do this? Simply by creating the right environment, setting up boundaries and guidelines for them.
Trust me this parenting style, when done right is very necessary and efficient, especially when your kids are still very young. That is the stage when you set the template for their core values, their moral compass and life habits.
And to effectively achieve these, it must be very clear who is in the driver’s seat. If there is a kind of blurriness on who is driving, and who is being driven, accidents can occur. And these accidents, sometimes can cause life-long character deformities.
But it must be done right.
More importantly, the transition to a co-pilot seat must start at the right time. As a parent, the magic is being able to identify the right timing for the transition to start.
That’s why parenting is a dance. A very delicate dance.
Back to my own Aha! moment.
Don’t get me wrong, even as a Tiger Mom, I was a fun mom. I played and fooled around with my kids quite a lot. But in all that, there was never any confusion as to who was in charge.
How it works is this- if mommy says jump, your part as the child is to find out how high.
After all, everyone knows that mommies know best. No?
Well as a generation, what many of us have not come to terms with, is that today the grey hair no longer equates wisdom. In fact, thanks to the internet, wisdom has become accessible to anyone who seeks it.
But that’s a conversation for another day.
Anyways, as a Tiger Mom, I was a queen at setting and enforcing rules. And boy! There were there rules for everything.
Bed time.
Snack time.
Screen time.
Mode of entertainment
Choice of entertainment.
When and how homework is done.
The list goes on and on.
The great thing about boundaries, is that they promote discipline and order. And I love order in my life. I appreciate order in my environment.
For younger children, rules work perfectly. They help them in forming good habits and lifestyles that will serve them in the future.
Rules also ensure that kids stay on the straight and narrow, until they develop enough common sense to be able to tell their left from their right. Boundaries literally keep children from jumping into ditches on a whim.
So you can say that these rules keep them safe, while keeping me sane.
Have you tried negotiating with a five year old before? I always have a feeling that negotiating with the cabals will yield faster results than with those.
Those little humans are usually as unreasonable as a doorpost. But applying the Mommy-Power gets things done quicker.
So even though we played and laughed a lot together, order must be maintained.
But in my case, as an authentic Tiger Mom, any minor deviation from the set rules can tick mommy off.
And when mommy snaps, it's sharp and intense. These snaps are always heralded by the infamous “Look”.
“The Look” can come at any time. Even in the middle of a fun time. It doesn’t matter. Any hint of disorder or misstep can trigger it.
As my kids grow and become more aware, can you imagine what this could mean for them?
No matter how happy a time we were having, they are somehow always conscious of “The Look”. And if there’s a sensing of “ The Look '' showing up, the mood switches immediately.
And this is not good.
Especially as they start entering their pre-teen years. I didn’t notice for a while. And when I did, it was painful
It's not okay that any child should be that way around any of their parents.
No, it's not acceptable.
I have always held the dream of raising bold and expressive children. Kids who can hold their own in the world. (Maybe because, most adults in my own childhood, did all they could to subdue my voice)
But somehow the tiger mom parenting style and this dream seemed not to be aligning. Instead, it appeared that my kids were turning out more timid than bold. At least, measured against my desired result.
And it was not okay.
But that fateful day in April of 2021 changed everything.
So on this particular day me and the kids were having a nice time playing and guffing around.
I can’t remember exactly what it was, but I think I asked for an update on something they were supposed to have done. The moment they realised that their answer was going to invoke “The Look'', I noticed an intense flash of fear in their eyes. This I observe is because, they suspect I wasn’t going to like their response.
What I saw in their eyes that afternoon broke me.
Yes, I want my kids well behaved and all that. But what I never wanted was fearful kids. Not kids that need to always be on their toes, because they are worried of tipping mommy off the edge.
At that moment it hit me-”the tiger mom approach is becoming counter-productive”!
They are no longer toddlers. These kids are growing. Therefore I need to empower them with their own voice. And in order to achieve that, I must start punishing their mistakes less, and rewarding their efforts more.
If they can’t be bold with me, how can I expect them to be bold with the world? How??
I felt so bad for not realising this sooner. But I was going to make amends.
And amend I made!
Later that day I called them to me. First of all, I apologised to them. (and guess what? I survived it! Parents hear this, apologising to your kids when you are in the wrong doesn’t kill)
I explained that the rules and boundaries we had set were to protect them, and not to punish them. And that from now on, because they are beginning to show maturity, we will be dropping some of the rules. But we will be counting on them, to do the right thing on those instances.
They were looking at me strangely, apparently wondering what I did with their mom. For surely this woman talking to them can’t be their mother!
But I continued. I told them that going forward things have changed.
“You guys are free to share how you feel about anything I do or say, without being afraid of how I will take it”. My ego had to go. I promised them that I and their dad will always listen with open mind.
In other words, I was telling my children they don't have to be politically correct with me. Or overly respectful.
The African Mom club won’t be proud. But who cares?
I wasn't done though. I continued “if I ask any of you to do something a certain way, but you feel that doing it a different way will bring better results, please don't hesitate to share your take”. Hmm.
They were staring at me incredulously. But I was just getting started.
I said to them, “don't just do things because I asked you to, do it because you understand why. And if you have any reason why you think you shouldn’t, please always feel free to tell me. I promise if your reason is superior to mine, I will go with yours”. Double hmm!
I told them that henceforth only superior opinion wins in our home, it doesn't matter who it’s coming from.
But I asked them to never resist things, just for resistance's sake. But make sure their actions are always backed by cogent WHY.
They must be driven by convictions. And should not be afraid to share their convictions about things, even when it appears to be different from popular opinion.
This was how ladies and gentlemen, I shed off my Tiger Mom skin.
And I said hello to Chill Mama!
Oh well, not exactly though. The Tiger mom didn’t go away completely. She now lives in the basement and shows up when it’s absolutely necessary. Chill Mama sometimes need back up. Or don’t you think?
One of the many fallout of this historic moment, was the birth of a beautiful family tradition-Family Appraisal Time.
This usually doubles as a movie night. We hold it like 2 times a year. (One day I will share about this and how it has impacted our relationship with the kids and with each other.)
But as a brief explanation, this is an occasion when our kids are free to tell us the things we are doing that they like, and the ones they don’t. And their reason too. We made it a very safe and non-judgemental space. They are free to tell us whatsoever, without any fear of being reprimanded.
The only requirement is that we all listen to what each person has to say with open mind and non defensiveness. This practice have expanded over time, to include many other things.
Believe me as an African Mom and a strong woman, that transition wasn’t easy.
If only you know how we value “respect”! (Well, our cultural definition of it).
But it was well worth it.
We have become our kids’ best friends. Meaning we are their go-to pals for advice and hot gists. Isn’t that what besties do?
Friendship with your teens, comes with incredible rewards I promise. But above all, it comes with immeasurable peace of mind. You always are sure of where your kids at, and with whom. You know where they are, both emotionally and physically
So as a mother I am prepping for the next transition, I know it beckons. When? I don’t know. But I want to be ready for it whenever it’s time.
Finally, a word of caution:
Dear strong woman or strong man, Please know, that your strength is for building up your children, and not for damaging them. So apply with caution.
Being organised is good, but please make sure you don’t end up caging your kids in a box built with rules and regulations. Selah!
You got this Super Parent!
May Morris-Kawel XoXo